I have been reading Rachel Hollis’s book for some time now and it really made me reflect. What lies have I been telling myself that have kept me from truly feeling self-confident? What does my inner critique keep shouting in my ear to keep me in the space of insecurity? Do the things I tell myself predict how I feel about myself? How can I change my dialogue to prevent the feelings of insecurity and drive it towards self-confidence? I took some time to reflect on my dialogue and asked some important people in my life to do the same. I rounded up the most common lies to curate a blog post that hits home for many of my readers to encourage them to sit down and expose their lies and how to adjust that to increase self-confidence. The more that people replied their lies, the more my heart broke. I was sad that these people I loved felt this way about themselves and thought these things daily but what saddened me the most was that each one hit home for me. I have thought or said those exact same lies to myself.
1.“I’m not good enough.”
I think this is the most popular answer I got and it was the one I wrote down first when I reflected. This lie comes in many different forms:
“I’m not pretty enough.”
“I’m not fit enough.”
“I’m not skinny enough.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m not talented enough.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“I’m not outgoing enough.”
Now, think about that. How many of those have you said to yourself? How often do you say it to yourself? If you’re anything like me, you probably say at least two of those every single day. That’s a lot of lies you’re telling yourself! What if you changed that wording to “I am.” “I am good enough.” If you caught yourself and altered that one little change to your dialogue, how far could you go?What could you accomplish?Also, would you tell your best friend she (he) isn’t good enough? Chances are you don’t even believe she’s (he’s) not good enough. You probably think they’re the most capable and valuable person on the planet. So, why don’t you think that about yourself? What makes you so incapable?
2. “I can’t do that, I’m not like them.”
This one happens in a lot of situations and probably happens quite often. For example, maybe you’ve decided to start your journey at the gym again and after you’ve started your warm up walk on the treadmill, you see a person in front of you sprinting a mile a minute. You think to yourself, “I can’t run, I don’t have long legs like them.” Or perhaps you see a job opening for a well-known advertising agency but start to click the “x” button because “I can’t do that, I don’t have enough years’ experience like someone else.” Maybe you’ve been invited to speak at an entrepreneurial event but you end up typing a response back that starts with, “Sorry, I won’t be able to make it,” because your inner critique is saying, “I can’t speak about my entrepreneurial journey because I’m not as successful as the other attendees.” Now, let’s take each of these scenarios and think about them in detail for a second. What could you have missed out on in each of these situations? What opportunity did your insecurity take away from you?If none of those situations fit into your life, think of a scenario that happened in your life. When did you let your “I can’t” mantra stop you from going farther?
3. “I don’t deserve to be here.”
This one directly holds hands with imposter syndrome. You think that you don’t deserve to be there or that you’re a phony who doesn’t know what you’re talking about. I have struggled with this one immensely in the last year or so because of my new entrepreneurial ventures and out of my comfort zone job opportunities. I had never heard of imposter syndrome until I was talking to an experienced entrepreneur and she explained this was one of her challenges and right away it clicked with me. I almost broke out into tears because it really hit home for me and I think it will for a lot of other people too. You might think you don’t deserve to have scored that awesome internship, that spot on an entrepreneurial panel, or that competitive scholarship. If you didn’t deserve it, why would you be there? Would you have been chosen? Would you have been hired? Really think about that. Be rational. You do deserve to be there. Remember that. Always.
4. “I’ve tried this and failed before, I’ll fail again.”
This one irritates me to no end but is quite comical because I say this one to myself FREQUENTLY. Especially when it comes to my health. I say, “Well I’ve tried working out and eating healthy before but it didn’t last so why should I even try again.” HOW STUPID. Each day is a new opportunity to achieve a goal. It doesn’t matter how the goal ended in the past. If we continue to let our past dictate our future we will never get where we want to be. There is this saying that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. If you have failed at something in the past there is probably a reason for that. Figure out what it is and change it to SUCCEED in the future. So, in fact, this is a lie. You can fail in the past and succeed in the future.
5. “People are judging me.”
I think the one thing that keeps so many of us living in a world of insecurity is the fear of other people’s opinions. We think that everyone else is watching our every move and curating cruel opinions of what we are wearing, how we talk, how our bodies look in certain clothes, how we laugh, how we did on a test, and so on. The list literally goes on and on. Why do we assume that everyone around us is so infatuated in our every move? You must remember how invested you are in your own life and how it leaves very limited time to judge everyone around you. If you think about it, how often do you actuallysit and judge people around you? How often do you seriouslynitpick each and every thing someone does? How often do you notice someone’s blackhead on their chin or the 2 extra pounds they gained on vacation or the bad haircut they accidentally got yesterday? NOT VERY OFTEN. So, why do you think people are noticing those things about you? They’re not. They are too busy focusing on their own self-discovered insecurities. The next time you’re telling yourself this lie, remember that. Nobody is as invested in your insecurities as you.
I really hope this blog post hits home for you and gives you a sense of relief that you’re not alone, motivation to find some control in your confidence journey, or empathy for the people who are in the rough spot of this journey. If you liked this blog post please leave a comment to let me know! I worked so hard on this and hope at least one person found something useful in it!